trembling over the point I have made certain is down the road

When something that once seemed to occupy your entire being comes to pass, and it becomes hard to remember all the sensations and reasons that went with it, do you doubt if it's original existence was what you thought it was at the time, or do you mourn how far you have fallen from something once so dear to you? It seems like I can't help thinking about how certain it is that I will arrive at such a point a year or so down the road, and I am afraid of either possible turn of my insides. But I would like to think I will react the second way. I need to stop looking down the road and trying to see something too far away to really be able to study, and start enjoying the lovely things just ahead. I wonder if walking again and drinking less coffee would help. I quit drinking coffee for a little while this year, but I started drinking it again a few weeks ago. I've decided a cup or two is nice, but not everyday, and not like it's an IV attached to you during work. When I drink it in large doses, I do it because it makes me trembly and incapable of carrying any real line of thought. I am having so much trouble thinking as it is.